I started to notice differences between my body and other girl's bodies in middle school. And they were harmless observations..."Dang she has large boobs *sigh*...I wish I had that." Then I would move on with my day and that was that----see harmless.
In Highschool, I noticed differences that created this competition in my brain. This is when it started to get catastrophic in my brain. I wanted thinner legs, a nice set of breastesses---still do :), and MORE than ever I wanted my dang booty to shrink. I got quite a few "compliments" on my bootay that weren't always welcome. In fact, I never took it as a compliment because to me they're just saying--That's all you GOT! And it didn't help that I felt like a pear----see where this is going?, negative thinking--more negative thinking---MORE negative thinking.
Oh..The College Years
That was kind of rough for me. I had never been that heavy before, because granted, weighing 145 for 5'4" is above average for my height. So that summer I decided I was going to go back to healthy eating. And voila I lost the weight again. I remember my friends asking me (2nd year of college)..."How did you lose the weight?" Again, It was healthy eating and a little bit of exercise.
After that... it went WAY down hill. I lost too much weight after I got back to school....My weight continued to drop down to 108. I couldn't remember the last time I weighed that much. I never weighed myself during that time. It was only when my mom took me to a doctor that summer after my sophmore year that I HAD to get weighed by the doctor. I was quite surprised. I had no idea I had lost that much weight. Yes, I had a very stressful year. Yes, I ate. No, I didn't make myself throw up. Did I restrict myself?? YES. I remember avoiding sugar at all costs! But I wasn't eating enough calories. I was burning a ton of calories walking to and from campus and not making up the deficit in my calorie intake.
Here Comes the Pills
So therefore, I was put on Zoloft and Ambien and I was seeing a Nutritionist and Therapist. I loved my Therapist. The nutritionist seemed a bit unfeeling and we didn't quite connect. Boy there was a lot of crying. So after a while I didn't like therapy either. It was exhausting to cry every flipping session. 2nd year of college ended and I went home. Should've continued the therapy instead of abruptly ending it and coming home for the summer. I slowly gained the weight back and I was a normal weight by the end of that summer (2007). Like I said probably worst decision to come home and end my therapy. Don't get me wrong, I loved being with my family and friends again back home. But none of the problems that started the restrictive eating, anxiety and self-loathing were fixed. Oh, and I stopped taking the pills...Do I regret that? Hell no! Didn't need that stuff anyway--Didn't fix the core of my problems...only numbed.
The years following were kind of a blur. The self-loathing continued and I turned to emotional eating to help me feel better. And if you're an emotional eater...what else do you get involved in?....BINGO...Bulimia. I didn't do it ALL the time, but I did do it. And it felt like crap. You know what else sucked! I dated sucky people. If you don't love yourself, you don't love yourself enough to find your prince charming. Instead, you find Prince Suck-It-Right-Out-Of-You and leave you dry AND then Vomit in your face to only leave you there cleaning up the mess afterward. *sigh* sorry....but I really did suck at dating. And I take full responsibility for my choices among the "Fish in the Sea." I may remember 1 or 2 or 3 guys I don't regret dating. Having that said, if you're reading this...sorry but slim chances you were one of them.
OKAY. You (Ladies) are a PRINCESS and SHOULD be treated as one!---'Nuff Said.
Meeting Prince Charming
So when I finally met prince charming....I met my husband. I smile even now as I write this. He helped me love myself inside and out. Cheesy? Yes, but it's true. I can't honestly remember exactly when my brain-cells started to FINALLY turn POSITIVE again but I know a big part of it was that I could tell my husband about my eating struggles and he LISTENED and didn't judge me. Yeah I told him I binged then sometimes would reverse the binge. I also told him that I would restrict myself so far as to becoming obsessive. HE LISTENED. I changed. I grew. I LOVED!
When you love yourself, and I don't mean (Paris Hilton's voice) "I'm so hot" kind of love. I mean a spiritual love. A love so deep that it comes from Above, (yes I'm getting religious). I lost that innocent love from myself during my growing stages. I sometimes look to my sisters and think "Wow! They really have it together. I wish I had that confidence and LIGHT (something deep inside) during my growing stages. I deeply love my sisters because they're RockStars!
There and Back Again
"A Young Woman's Tale"
So...began the journey of learning how to eat all over again without the restricting, binging or any other harmful activities to my health. I turned to exercise to help me gain power back into my life. And I DO feel more powerful--spiritually and physically. That's why I exercise almost every day. Exercise helps me feel accomplished and strong as a woman.
I also now turn to real food to stop my emotional eating. Without putting processed foods in my diet, I have erased this "roller coaster" of addictions. I feel so much better eating foods that heal my body rather than foods that make me dependent on them---Highly Processed foods override signals of fullness and satisfactions. I feel better after eating real food. I have more energy. I don't feel moody all the time. I'm less tired. I love my job more. I'm more social. All of these areas are magnified when you love yourself and treat yourself WITH LOVE!
Now speaking of all the healthy/physical/mental changes that I've had to go through....As I've heard many people say this and I agree with them---"Is it easy??" No "But was it worth it." YES!
Change isn't always easy but I have made wonderful ones. I wouldn't change anything on HOW I have worked up to this moment in life. And it wasn't just me...My Mom, My Dad, Brothers & Sisters and most of all my Husband---I Love you all!
It's WORTH IT!
Be Happier & Love yourself!